Ahh, Ten-ga.

Jelly is fun, sure. You can pluck it, you can squeeze it. You can even knead it, like a cat ready to do it. But delectable as gels may be, I prefer my longterm toys something solid. I like to keep glass objects in my toolbox. They look like sculptures, in certain circles, with none the wiser.

(giant candy cane on Christmas morning, tally ho)

I’ve even got a special thermometer of my own. To be hygienic, naturally I keep a few wrappers around, individually packaged, and I stash them magically on a tabletop.



In the course of these acquisitions,
I’ve accumulated a bit of wisdom and know-how.

  • Thy local grocer/convenience store shall stock condoms only of the lubed variety. Thus I have seen, thus it shall always be.
  • The internet offers competitive pricing. No need to buy from sex shops, unless purchasing clothing. Figures come in all dimensions. Sizing measurements do too.
  • The upside to patronizing brick-and-mortar stores: reusable bags, the nice kind. With tissue paper on top. All the ones I’ve seen are brandless or logo’d with a monogram. Bonus points if a recipient of your new ‘gift bag’ recognizes its design.

This information could come in handy. Next year, maybe. Or anytime, really. Just so you know.

You know how it goes. You spot a nice story (who’s got the body of an epic plot with curves in all the right places, and is just full of character) so you dive in with a knowing line, and that gets you your link to the community url. This fandom is everything you want – great potential, lots of personality – hooks you in real tight.

And it is unbelievably easy, I tell ya; come in with a smile and a wink, and you’re in. Aww yeaah.

And then? You wind up stuck in pure and utter boredom, I’m sad to say:
night after night,
nothing but headaches and no nookie. :(

Okay, lemme wipe the tears away. Haha, that was great – anyway, me banging the story isn’t the problem. Twice a week, if not every day, I’m pounding away, fucking like a pro. Lack of nookie is not the problem.

No. It’s the porn that I miss.

Y’see, every popular story’s a porn star.
You line up the fans – they show up for free – and people take turns filming their amateur porn.

And that’s what I wanna watch! (’cause thrusting takes effort)

Come on, people:
Take one for the team.

Whaddaya got, stage fright?! Low energy? I got your Viagra right here!

I wish. Nah, you need to go to the pharmer for that.
And hurry up; I’m fucking drained.

I’ve been on that side of town. I’ve been to sex shops.
I’ve seen their goods; you can have ’em.

Now don’t get me wrong –
The ergonomic dildos are mighty sleek and shiny,
and some of the glass pieces are absolute works of art…

But what is up with the rows of sausages for sale?!
I mean, if that’s what’s on offer – ahem.

My feeling is, if I’m going to go for penis,
I’ll go for real prick, thank you very much.


Not some rubber simulacrum.