EGG-SHAPED SLEEVE

Ahh, Ten-ga.

Jelly is fun, sure. You can pluck it, you can squeeze it. You can even knead it, like a cat ready to do it. But delectable as gels may be, I prefer my longterm toys something solid. I like to keep glass objects in my toolbox. They look like sculptures, in certain circles, with none the wiser.

(giant candy cane on Christmas morning, tally ho)

I’ve even got a special thermometer of my own. To be hygienic, naturally I keep a few wrappers around, individually packaged, and I stash them magically on a tabletop.

GENIE LAMP

A HIDEY SPOT

In the course of these acquisitions,
I’ve accumulated a bit of wisdom and know-how.

  • Thy local grocer/convenience store shall stock condoms only of the lubed variety. Thus I have seen, thus it shall always be.
  • The internet offers competitive pricing. No need to buy from sex shops, unless purchasing clothing. Figures come in all dimensions. Sizing measurements do too.
  • The upside to patronizing brick-and-mortar stores: reusable bags, the nice kind. With tissue paper on top. All the ones I’ve seen are brandless or logo’d with a monogram. Bonus points if a recipient of your new ‘gift bag’ recognizes its design.

This information could come in handy. Next year, maybe. Or anytime, really. Just so you know.

I’ve been on that side of town. I’ve been to sex shops.
I’ve seen their goods; you can have ’em.

Now don’t get me wrong –
The ergonomic dildos are mighty sleek and shiny,
and some of the glass pieces are absolute works of art…

But what is up with the rows of sausages for sale?!
I mean, if that’s what’s on offer – ahem.

My feeling is, if I’m going to go for penis,
I’ll go for real prick, thank you very much.

 

Not some rubber simulacrum.

I’LL SAY ( I SPY A CIGAR )